Usually around the time of my birthday, I get temporarily depressed.  It’s not the let down of a less than perfect celebration or the stress of one, but usually an unkindly reminder that yet another year has passed me by.  You would think New Years would have that effect, but it doesn’t.    

 So here I am again and in less than 2 weeks, I will be 25.  But somehow, this year it’s different.  The day of my birth accumulates the gravity definition that a quarter of my life has passed me, and I’m ready to reflect upon it.  Where did I expect to be?  Honestly, I never really thought that far ahead.  Who did I want to be?  Whoever ‘I’ was, just happier.

That’s exactly where I am now:  My family gives me a sense of fulfillment and love I’ve never had.  Being a parent I’ve begun to look at the world differently.  My son has made me a better person by giving me no choice in the matter.  He has taken ‘I want’ out of my vocabulary and replaced it with a need for real substance: knowledge and compassion.  He has truly restored my sense of ‘magic’ about the world.  I’ve realized trivial pursuits in the name of vanity, money or material things just can’t make a person robustly happy so I try to avoid them. 

I do regret some past things I’ve said and done that have hurt my husband.  I’m far from perfect and I’ve struggled with my own inner turmoils and scripts trying to be.  I am thankful to have someone who continues to support, ground and forgive me for my stupidity.  I truly do not deserve him and I have no shame in saying I will never stop trying to be deserving of that love.

I’m not worried about wrinkles, wasting away my youth (as a mother) or trying to prove my worth to the world in some futile way (or display).  Twenty-five is the perfect age to be doing exactly what I’m doing in this ‘stupid universe’.  I understand that the universe will always have a tendency for entropy, and the best I can do is make sense of it for my own soul’s well being and betterment;  To continue learning, loving and living all I can before my time is up with the people who mean the most to me and put me at my greatest.